It’s not personal

One of the most famous quotes in the 1972 classic The Godfather (besides “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse”) is “It’s not personal, Sonny, it’s strictly business”, a line delivered brilliantly by Al Pacino in this very scene. Although the implications of that phrase in the movie include murder and its cover-up, the first half of the sentence made me think. What if, just like Michael Corleone’s actions, most things were not personal in life?

Taking things personally is an inherently human trait and all of us do it, to varying degrees of course. It strictly refers to interpreting a remark or action as directed against oneself and being upset or offended by it. If we widen the term’s meaning just a little, it can easily be translated into the act of thinking that other people’s actions or words are (almost) exclusively about us: our character, behaviour, looks and the like. As I see it, the reason for it is not being completely self-absorbed (although some people do push it to that extreme) and unaware of others. Rather, it’s because we all are the protagonists of our lives – and we simply forget that this only applies to our own stories. Even if it may seem egocentric, every single person is the centre of their own universe – and that is how it should be. Consequently, however, that also means that we matter much less in other people’s word than we may think, since their world is taken up by their own existence. Still, we cannot stop worrying about other people’s opinions and thoughts about us, pushing some of us to the brink of social anxiety.

This is so common that several studies were conducted regarding our own perception of how others might react to us vs. how they actually do. One of my favourites is an experiment involving students wearing funky/embarrassing T-shirts and seeing how much others took notice. The answer varies between 10% and 25% of the participants while those wearing the T-shirt predicted a much higher figure. This is called the spotlight effect and it refers to the phenomenon of people believing they are noticed more than they are in reality. While this is a very specific case, it does bear relevance to the theme of taking things personally. Those of us who are susceptible to the spotlight effect tend to think that everyone is paying attention to us. We misinterpret someone’s glazed over look as judgmental staring, their genuine words as oh-so-thinly veiled sarcasm, and the momentary lack of attention as intentional ignorance towards us.

There are several steps we can take to snap ourselves out of this rather dangerous way of thinking, before we become overwhelmed by our own thoughts and (often incorrect) conclusion. Forcefully reminding ourselves that we are not the centre of attention in most situation usually helps put our minds at ease. Then we can try shifting our focus from ourselves to others and their lives to avoid being consumed by our own emotions and thoughts. Further, and this might secretly be my favourite, is the “So what?” method – by the way, a wonderful phrase to apply in many other cases too. It helps put things into perspective and pushes us to realise that the consequences are usually far from as grave as we had imagined. We feel like someone is judging our hair colour? So what? Will the world be a worse place by this? Will anyone die? Although this might take some time and practice, following the “So what?” method could save all of us a lot of unnecessary rumination and anxiety.

Besides, even though we tend to think it’s all about us personally, that’s hardly ever the case. Very often, other people’s words and actions say more about the person who says and does them than the one it’s being said or done to. It’s important to remember that we all look at life through our own lenses personalised by our life experiences. Basically, our outlook on life is undoubtedly attached to our previous experiences, traumas and interactions. Different upbringings, encounters and adventures result in vastly different viewpoints that lead to a wide variety of patterns and ways of recognising and interpreting patterns. Essentially, we humans are designed to misinterpret each other and each other’s words and actions. That is why what we often say and do reflect our understanding of life, rather than anything profound about the other person. An extreme form of that is projecting – noticing behaviours in or “problems” related to ourselves, noticing them in others and attributing it to them. Ultimately, we might also be overly sensitive to certain issues in the present because of our past experiences related to it. Something even mildly resembling a previous trauma might trigger an extreme response from us to the person in front of us, and we might take great offense at something that was meant to be harmless.

In my opinion, it often comes down to self-esteem – and that’s why people with unstable and uncertain childhoods have a greater tendency to take things personally, as they couldn’t build a strong self-esteem as a base. Often, when we receive a critical comment or someone acts out against us, it is easy to shake it off if we know the said words or actions to be untrue, so we can easily detach ourselves from them and instead associate them with the person saying or doing them. However, it is much easier to doubt ourselves if we lack sufficient self-esteem or if the words or actions struck a chord with us due to previous experiences, for instance. And, although I’m a big fan of continuous learning and personal development based on feedback from others, I also strongly believe in developing a strong sense of self and sufficient self-esteem to be able to critically evaluate other people’s behaviour towards us – since, as we now know, it is hardly ever personal.

In the end, my advice would be to approach other people’s words and actions towards us with an open mind, a willingness to understand where they are coming from and with our emotions under control. We should also seek to understand the motives and underlying issues of the other person before we accept their opinion as valid and replace our own self-image with their judgement. I believe in taking everyone’s words and actions with a grain of salt – it’s worth looking at them as potential teachers to further improve ourselves, but there’s also nothing wrong with, after careful examination, discarding their opinions as invalid and moving on. In reality, these behaviours might say more about them than us – it’s not personal.